Numb

I don't know where this feeling(or lack thereof) comes from because I don't ask for it. It is as if my heart knows when something is going to try to hurt it and it just shuts down. This wall comes down and I block everything out.

I don't know if you have ever just not felt anything at all but I really feel emotionless right now. It is really a scary feeling because I don't think that I can control it. Maybe if I can consciously quit holding back to protect myself I can unconsciously let go too.

I really have created a hard exterior for myself and I think I am just starting to realize how good of a job I did with it.

Not feeling anything sucks! I would rather feel what's is going on right now than stare blankly and watch it happening.

When you can't feel from your heart you can't speak from your heart so I'm guessing my "emotions".

Did I mention how unfocused I am? It's been getting worse as the months go on, unfocused in school and in my relationship with God. Both had gotten waaay better at one point and now I feel like I'm back at square one again. I can hardly concentrate on anything-even typing this post is giving me trouble (granted it is 3:26am).

Psalm 51

For the director of music.A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

1. Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.
2. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
3. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
4. Against you, you only have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.
5. Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6. Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
7. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9. Hide your face from my sins and blot out my iniquity.
10. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you. 14. Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. 15. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. 16. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
18. In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up walls of Jerusalem.
19. Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you; then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Don't be a butt

There is a reason assume is spelled "ass-ume"

smh...don't assume stuff about me, just ask it's ok I don't bite and I'm pretty honest for the most part.

Random Late Night Typing

I don't feel bad, I just don't feel great. I'm not really confused, not really torn just having a hard time doing what I need to do...

The more honest I am with people the more I hurt them...This guy that I'm kind of dating I try to be as honest as possible with him. I try to practice honesty in what I say as well as my actions. I think I could use a lesson on the difference between being true in my actions and words and just acting and speaking out of emotion.

With no censoring I am possesive, irrational, suspicious and moody. On the other hand when I get my feelings in check and can make clear headed and rational decsions I am distant, unwilling to commit and a little mean. I probably could stand to use a little censoring.

Or maybe I should just decide already what the heck I really want...

On My Mind...

Just a couple of random things...

I am pretty dramatic and I over think a lot but...

I feel like people are judging me it kind of makes me feel like I'm not doing as well as I should be, it kind of makes me feel bad...but then I think harder and I feel sorry for them for not taking the time to get to know me before hey make assumptions. :-D I'm a pretty cool person!

Maybe it's not people judging me maybe it's ME judging ME and being scared others see what I see :/

School...uuugggh! I have TWO more years! Don't ask me why![angry face]

Some of my really good friends-well one in particular has been pretty MIA lately...I feel like it's because I love Jesus. She made a comment one day about me being really "religious" lately that kind of made my eyebrow raise. [ps. just so you don't think I'm talking about you, this is a friend who I don't get to see very often, and that I don't think reads my blog]

I finally quit my retail job...well not officially but I made up in my mind that I quit, these jerks scheduled me for 2pm-5pm on next Saturday wtf?! They got pissed yesterday when they scheduled me for 4pm-7pm and I tried to call out...sigh...

I seriously need a job for summer, something that pays very well, I need to take a class over the summer and I want to try to get a real estate license

I am not loving my hair cut anymore...I change my mind so often and I'm over this. Prime example of why I could never do anything permanent to my body like tattoos or locs(I know you can cut them or comb them out but still).

..ok I need to go get dressed my friend Allison and I are going out for manicures :)

Internet Woes

I missed my blog this week. :(

Not that I really had anything to write in it but just because I couldn't access it from my bed...

My Word of The Day Is...

...DYSFUNCTION

–noun
1. Medicine/Medical. malfunctioning, as of an organ or structure of the body.
2. any malfunctioning part or element: the dysfunctions of the country's economy.
3. Sociology. a consequence of a social practice or behavior pattern that undermines the stability of a social system.


...sigh. This is how I feel today...dysfunctional. I do not wish to further elaborate.